"Michael, I just wanted to let you know that I will always be here for you no matter what you are doing or where you are... dont forget that okay? I am always here for you... forever...831.. Life definatley aint the same OHNE DICH..... "

I wrote this so long ago. And to think. I held true to you for the longest time. You've hurt me. You've stepped on me. And you took me for granted.. I loved you. More than you will ever understand. Though you say that you do understand.. I know that you don't. You've proved that to me. You promised you changed. Oh, how you lied. You say what you want to get what you want, and you will step on anyone to get where you want. I loved you, I really really, honestly, truly did. You were my world. You were my life. You were my heart. But you broke it. You Broke me, and if it werent for Houston, I would still be broken. I'm just glad to know that there is someone to pick me up and dust me off, and help me get back on track.

You  know, its so funny Michael. You have done a lot to me, that I don't think anyone deserves. Granted, I may have done my fair share of hurting you. But.. let me explain my story

We Met in High School. You didnt want to start dating at the time because you were into football, I moved on, you started dating someone else. We then started talking more and more, becoming the best of friends. You were the person that I could talk to about anything. You were my journal that I spilled my heart out to. And we fell in love. You were there for me, I was there for you. We were happy. Things happened, seasons changed, and we ended up breaking up, but still remaining great friends. You soon moved into my house, and we began getting back together, but you decided you wanted someone else, and you went for them. I moved on. I was dating Mark, you were dating Nina, and things were ok. Or so I thought. Until you went out of town for the ARMY and called and text me saying that you missed me, and couldnt see yourself with anyone else, and you never should have left me. That when you got home, you and me would be together and we would get married. PROMISE #1 that you shattered, no more than a month after you go home.

Again, you saw someone else that you wanted, and went for her, the whole time thinking that it was ok to just leave me in the dust, because you knew that when you came back, like an idiot, I would still be standing there with arms wide effing open. And you were right. there I was, in the same fragile state that you had left me in. The next time you went out of town AGAIN called me, With your same old retired story of how you loved me. And yet again, I fell for it. I didnt jump into this one with both feet though, I prepared myself for the fall out. And I thank the Good Lord above me that I did, because much like suspected.. You did it. Found YET ANOTHER PERSON that you wanted, and went for her. Only this time, it ended up differently. You got her pregnant, and married her, thinking it was the thing you had to do. Poor girl, still thinks that you love her. While the whole time you have been deployed in Bahrain, you told me that you told her that you were going to divorce her, and come home, and be a changed person so that we could FINALLY be together like we have both longed for. I believed you. I was scared, and I didnt wnat to believe you. But for some reason, this time your words seemed like there was no lie beneath them.

Stupid. Stupid Girl.

I should have known. You randomly message me, saying that I told Jackie about the divorce, that I ruined everything. When you were the one that SHOULD HAVE TOLD HER ABOUT THE DIVORCE. Let me tell you something. I NEVER. NOT ONCE. Went and told her about the divorce, or anything of it. Because it was your OBLIGATION to tell her yourself. BE A MAN. Admit to what you said. Now your telling her you never watned to divorce her. You think that just because you file for divorce first, that means your going to get custody of your son?? Wake up Sunshine. Smell the coffee. Thats not how it works. there are custody battles, There are strenuous Meetings with people to make sure that the baby has a fit home.

Now you want me to WAIT until you decide if you still want to divorce her??!?!?! Are you serious??

I may not be the best person in the world. I have my flaws, and maybe I dont deserve a lot of the good things that happen to me. But I also know that I gave you everything that I possibly could. I gave you my heart. I gave you my word. I took care of you when you were sick. I hugged you when you were down. I stayed up all night and cried with you when you were having a lot of family issues. And the whole time thinking that I was not good enough for you.

It's funny. Because the other day, I sat back. I looked at the whole story.

I looked at the fact that you didnt want to support me in HALF the things i wanted to do in my life. I looked at the fact that When I needed comfort, it was an inconvenience for you. The fact that I went OUT OF MY WAY to do things for you to make sure that you were ok, that YOU were comfortable. I didnt get any of it in return. What I did get in return were lies. You woulnd tell me the truth for the life of you.

If it werent for Houston, these realizations would have never come to my head. I would still be sitting here thinking that I am the one that lost out. But I'm not. If anything I gained from this. It was a learning expirience. I know what I want. I know how I want to be treated. I know that I was not treated fairly with you, because your selfish. I NEVER in my life thought I would ever have any of these bad things to say to you, or about you. Because You were the one. The single most important person in my life. You were the one that I would give the world to. And In return, I got nothing but heartache. Dont get me wrong. I love you my dear. I always have, I always will. But I can no longer allow myself to be put in those situations. You say you changed. People that dont want to change, wont change. You are one of those people. You are happy hurting people. as long as you get what you want, your in good standings in your point of view. allow me to let you in on a secret. YOU  ARE NOT THE ONLY PERSON IN THE WORLD. Nor are you the most important person in this world. I wish you the best in all that you do. I really honeslty hope that things can change and pick up for you. As for me, being in your life.. Only as a friend will I allow myself to walk through those doors. I will not dig myself another hole to lie in. I deserve more. I deserve better. I deserve someone to treat me the way that I do.

"I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairytale.. I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet, lead her up the stairwell..." Taylor Swift- White Horse

The other day, I went with my friend to put some gas in his truck. He stepped out of the truck and went to pay and pump the gas, and I sat in the passenger seat and waited. I like to people watch, not to be nosey, but to watch how other people live there lifes....

I looked out the window towards the left, and there was a middle aged man standing at the front of his van, pouring some coolant into the engine... ah, we have all been there, the vehicle that breaks down at every possible moment.... and finishes up, and gets back in his van. As my friend was putting the gas nozzle to fill his tank, he came over and popped the hood up to check on something for his battery, and the gentleman in the van looked over at him, got out of his van and offered to assist my friend. My friend Houston, the guy i was with, simply replied "No thanks dude, I got it, I was just checkin something out real quick, appreciate it" and the gentleman just nodded his head and went back to his van...

But it wasnt exactly a nod of approval, it was more like an "oh ok, I get it" kind of nod.. As he got back in his van, he looked through the windshield towards me sittin in the passengar seat, and I smiled at him. He gave me kind of a half smile, and put his head against his drivers window, and proceeded to stare at the ground. He looked so...sad. You know, you can always tell the hurt, or happiness in someones eyes, but this gentleman looked really down... It was saddening to me to see it. I mean, I know we all look sad somedays, but this gentleman looked as if he had been sad for a while, like things just couldnt get better for him. I felt so bad, I wanted to go over and just strike up a cnversation with him, maybe all he needed was a friend.. someone to talk to.. but I was unable to.. not only because we were merely at a gas station and not a coffee shop, but because we were about to leave..

It was a strange thing for me that day though. It used to be that I didnt really care about whatever was goin on around me, I was oblivious to the world, because I really didnt have the heart to pay much attention. I recently have accepted God back into my life, and I've paid attention to others around me, and that day, I felt his pain inside.. I just wished that I could talk to him.. and hopefully give him a buddy to talk with, if even for a brief moment, hopefully make his day a little brighter just for a simple smile....

With the holidays just around the corner, I really hope this gentelman has a great one...